Charlie Brooker for PM

If being full to the brim with common sense and wit were an olympic event then Mr. Charlie Brooker would be the Steve Redgrave of the 'sport'. His columns for the Guardian are legendary for their dry, veracious wit and uncompromising honesty about his subject matter.

Here is a great example of why Charlie Brooker is my favourite 'bitch slapper' in the media today. Sorry Dr. Kermode, you come a close second.


Charlie Brookers Screen Burn | The World Cup


I wish I enjoyed the World Cup, if only for some fleeting sense of common unity with the rest of humankind. But I simply don't get it. A huge number of my fellow citizens tune in and witness a glorious contest of ecstatic highs and heartbreaking lows. I see 22 millionaires ruining a lawn.

If the fans want to enjoy their sport, fair enough. Judging by their rapt faces, I'm the one losing out. What puts me off isn't the game itself, but the accompanying patriotism; or, more specifically, the hollow simulation of patriotism used to hawk products throughout the contest.

Take the current Carlsberg campaign featuring an insanely jingoistic dressing room "pep talk" which blathers on and mindlessly on about national pride. "Know this," the voiceover whispers portentously, "that shirt you're wearing? Your countrymen would give anything to put it on." Really, Carlsberg? I wouldn't put down a sandwich to lift the World Cup, let alone pull a sweat-sodden sports jersey over my head. And would even the most committed fans really do "anything" to wear it? Would they saw their own feet off with a bread knife dipped in cat piss? No. They wouldn't. So stop lying.

Having grossly overestimated the cachet of said hallowed shirt, the ad treats us to a cameo from virtually every notable English sporting hero of the past 50 years, pausing briefly for a patronising moment of silence for Sir Bobby Robson, before depicting an ethereal Bobby Moore, bathed in heavenly light at the top of the tunnel, standing proudly beside a lion. The whole thing plays like a masturbatory dream sequence for Al Murray's Pub Landlord character, the punchline being that the whole thing is a sales pitch for a Danish brewing company. The tagline should be: "Carlsberg: as English as Æbleskiver".

The American confectionery company Mars is also keen to pat our patriotic behinds. It's paid John Barnes to jokily recreate his notoriously poor rap from the 1990 New Order single World In Motion. And – ha, ha! – it's hopeless. But if you're not familiar with the original, it just looks as though we, the English, have absymal taste in music. Tourists watching this advert in their hotel rooms will spread tales of our cultural ineptitude on their return home. Thanks for that, Mars. Incidentally, Barnes's lyric has been altered, so he's now rapping about "three lions on a Mars", which rather implies that the sacred England shirt that Carling was getting religiously excited about is, in practice, interchangeable with a calorific chocolate-and-nougat slab.

Japanese technology giant Sony is also capitalising on the World Cup. It's got an advert starring Brazilian star Kaka which aims to convince viewers to trade in their old TV sets for shiny new 3D ones. It's an exciting prospect, only slightly undermined by the fact that the World Cup is being transmitted in the UK by the BBC and ITV, neither of whom will be broadcasting any of the matches in 3D. In fact, if you want to watch the World Cup in three dimensions, you'll have to go to the cinema, where Sony plans to show it, in 3D, on around 50 screens. That'll mean leaving your brand-new 3D telly at home, of course. But never mind. You can watch Avatar when you come back. In 2D. Because the 3D version won't be out until months after the World Cup. So you might as well not bother getting a 3D TV till then. And come to think of it, it's probably best not to bother anyway, because Avatar is rubbish. (I couldn't stand that tribe of pious, humourless, surly blue luddites. Fuck their stupid tree. I was cheering on the bulldozers).

There are other adverts of course: Coca-Cola, Nike, Pepsi-Cola, BP, Blackwater Security, The Tyrell Corporation, Damien Thorn Enterprises and so on. All hitting the same phoney note of concord, all somehow cheapening the fun that millions will extract from the tournament itself. Not me, though. I'll be out of the country for the whole thing. When I think of all the adverts I'll miss, I'll try not to sob too loudly.

Courtesy of www.Guardian.co.uk

Is life too short to be polite?

Well no, of course not. But on more than one occasion, to be honest too many to mention, I have been criticised for being rude and/or impolite to people by someone close to me. I take issue with this as I consider myself to be a very polite person. Where I get pulled is when I'm talking to someone I do not like. I can come across as short and abrupt. But aren't short and abrupt just qualities of a personality and in no way a measure of politeness?

Here's the deal. I cannot abide talking to people I do not like. In a professional environment we all have to do it. But when it comes to my own time I choose who I spend my time with for a reason i.e. I like them. I see no benefit whatsoever spending time with people who get your goat. Is it not best for all concerned to just finish off whatever banal and pointless ramblings you're having as soon as possible and move on? On this, I believe life is too short.

I 'rate' my likeness of people on whether or not I would be bothered if they died in a car accident the following day (:-O). If I wouldn't be bothered then why am I talking to them? This sounds like a terrible thing to say, and it is, but lots of us think along these lines. Kinda. When you hear of someone who you know who has just died and yet within 5 minutes of finding out of their untimely death you're back to work without a care in the world isn't it the same? In my eyes they are pretty much the same thing, it just seems to me that mines been thought out. A Demonstration of efficiency?

If someone had the balls to stop me mid-sentence and say 'Look pal, this really isn't as interesting as you think it is, would it be okay if I jump ship and go back to talking to my mates?' I would, without a word of a lie, hold out my hand in respect. In fact the chances are from that moment we'd get on royally with a new found respect and appreciation for the other persons honestly.

So can't we just cut all the pleasantries and be honest? Each year literally millions of Christmas and Birthday cards are sent from people who don't want to send them to people who don't want to receive them. What is this madness?

In the end we are all hypocrites. We are two-faced liars who don't have the guts to be honest. At least I'm trying to be better than that.

Who's impolite now?

A bit more about me...

...and I do mean a bit. Other than the information in my Profile there's a little more of note(ish). Career wise I have spent most of it Designing Games, but also included in my CV is Barman, Account Supervisor at a now defunct book-store (Borders) as well as a bit of driving and insurance sales. It's a cornucopia of employment which has given me some pride and satisfaction but has mainly nurtured my born cynicism of my fellow man.

I'm reasonably well travelled having visited many parts of Europe and Scandinavia (I know it's part of Europe but many forget about it - thankfully) as well as several trips over the Atlantic to the U.S. and Canada. I've also been lucky enough to visit both Nepal and Tibet.

I'm engaged and looking behind the sofa for cash to get married to my long term partner.

My Politics lean to the left and I'm an Atheist in its purest sense.

That's it. Done. My personal box is officially ticked only to be re-opened in emergencies.

Cue The Obligitory Welcome Message

To be honest this blog here is really intended be my virtual diary (of sorts) and soap box. Not designed nor intended per se for public consumption. However, being that it is on-line, called a blog and isn't really that personel I can't stop others from reading it and, and you'd really have to ask yourself why, comment on it. So from the kick-off I may well just assume others are here. Therefore, seeing that you are here, I'll try (granted not very hard) to make it read legibly and attempt , on the most part, to be nice.

As it's THE first post I'd best write something that'll going down in infamy as the most single most useless piece of nonsense that has ever been virtually written since the invention of the internet.  Something so completely inane that it'll be forgotten within a guaranteed time frame or your money back. Here goes:

"Welcome to this new Blog, I hope you spend more time here than you did the last time you went to the toilet, or a least reviewing this mornings post.

I shall be, for want of a better word, 'vomiting' my random thoughts from my over analytical mind into (and all over) this Blog. It will also contain such sporadic highlights as short stories, all kinds of media reviews and will be debating issues of a contemporary nature... and stuff. It is required to be completely inconsistent, lazy, self deprecating and hopefully, every now and then, witty and, to a far lesser extent, informative... just like me :-)

Welcome."